tommarvolohiddles:

mandatoryupgrades:

Anyone who thinks Shakespeare is boring apparently missed the greatest stage direction ever written:

I want that to be the final line of my biography.

let’s not forget about this gem from macbeth

(Source: s-moran)

suicideslurpee:

tibets:

i just fucking spat all over my computer laughing

OMFG.

wholocked-theimpala:

the man gazed upon jesus and said to him, “is it you? our lord and savior jesus christ?”

and jesus turned to him and replied, “bitch i might be”

purgatorystuck:

Mi papá tiene 47 años= my dad is 47 years old

Mi papa tiene 47 anos= my potato has 47 assholes

I love spanish

50shadesofacceptance:

I’m going to pee

(Source: liamrasche)

(Source: present-fiction)

time-sponges:

You sit at the restaurant with your young son, he says he is hungry.  You agree to get him dinner. You open up to the kids menu, your child is far to young for adult food. Chicken nugger stares at you from the page. You don’t understand. Your palms get sweaty and your son complains. He says he is hungry.  Your mind strains, searching for an answer in a world of sweer potato and french fried. You try to order the chicken nugger, but you cannot. The words cannot escape your lips. Your son is hungry, he complains. The waitress stares at you, her head a spinning chicken nugger, her arms swinging french fried. Your son cries the tears of a chicken nugger-less child. In your mind you scream. It is raining sweer potato now, you have french fried engraved on your left temple and you do not understand. Your son weeps in the corner, he is starving. Starving for the chicken nugger.

(Source: stantanic)

apatheticghost:

what i learned from school

1. im a fucking piece of shit
2. everybody else is also a fucking piece of shit
3. mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

calibrashuns:

I WENT TO THE CAFE DOWN THE STREET AND THERE WERE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THERE CELEBRATING THIS LIZARDS BIRTHDAY

HE HAS A LITTLE PARTY HAT